It took several months for my internal clock, in fact – two weeks. Before my trip, I desperately wanted to escape, somewhere far away, where no one knows me. My desire was so great that I directed all my internal powers to the search for this very escape plan. I was fixated on this. They say that everything we want is heard by some invisible force, ready to translate the desired into the real. And I realized this, there, in China, when all the circumstances were against me going home. Never before had the return journey, from where, either, been so long and thorny.
Here, I came home. Here it comes again to us, and my house ceases to be mine. Here again I want peace and solitude. Here again I want to escape. I again have to communicate with those with whom I do not want to communicate, only because “it’s so necessary, Sasha.” And these “must, it must be necessary” climb on me from all sides, although personally I do not need anything.
In the camp, I realized, I nowhere to feel at home. I have to pretend everywhere. Everyone laughs at jokes – it’s all funny, I’m not particularly, but I’m straining all my facial muscles to laugh. Everyone is touched – I’m parodying emotion. What other people would value does not cause me anything except irritation and malicious submission. I can pretend to those who appreciate, but even such a great pretender as I am tired of it. I ask myself: what’s wrong with me? Why can not I be like all normal people? Why do I always feel so abnormal and repulsed from the pack?
Even when I meet a person who readily accepts my past, I can hardly feel truly free and open to this person.